My Final Thought

Given the extension to our forum, I thought I would close with one more post that reflects on the different ways men and women are "wired" and how these gender differences affect us at work and at home. In 1994, Dr. John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," published another wonderful book, "What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You & Your Father Didn't Know." In this book, he describes how times had changed, and the ways our mothers and fathers fulfilled their roles at work and at home no longer worked in the 1990s. Imagine how much more these roles have changes since the1990s!

In his book, Gray observed, "Without same-sex role models, women in the workplace experience frustration because they don't know how to be themselves and be successful" (p. 27). He then wrote:

     "When women spend their days behaving in traditionally masculine roles, it is clearly tremendously difficult to remain feminine. Working on a very structured timetable, making decisions based primarily on the bottom line and not people's feelings, giving orders when there is no time to share the decision-making, calculating strategic moves to protect herself from attack, creating alliances based solely on profit margins and not on friendships, investing time and energy for personal gain rather than others' benefit, all contribute to the impoverishment of the feminine soul. Put simply, the world of work does nothing to nurture women's spirits, and is dramatically damaging to the quality of their intimate relationships" (pp. 27-28).

Gray continued,

     "Women are affected much more adversely  than men by career stress, for pressures of work outside the home have doubled their load. On the job, they give a much as men do, but when they get home, instinct takes over and they continue giving.

     "It is hard for a woman to come home, forget the problems of the day, and relax when her programming says, 'Cook more, clean more, love more, share more, nurture more, give more, do more'....

     "Whether these instincts come from biology or from watching and identifying with her mother while growing up,they can be very strong. Many times these pressures increase when a woman begins planning for children or has children. While these feelings and pressures are self-induced, they are based on modern physical realities.... It is not only essential for women to learn new ways of coping, but for men to learn new ways to support their partners" (pp. 28-29).

Gray then went on to discuss men at work an in the home:

     "Through history, men could tolerate the stresses of the outside world because they would return home to a nurturing and loving woman. All day the male was goal-oriented, but come evening, he either relaxed, played, or was waited on with love. What he didn't have to do was continue working to win his partner's favor....

     "Men are wired to give their all at work, then come home and receive. To a great extent women are built to give and receive at the same time. They love to give but need to be fueled  simultaneously: when they give without receiving, they tend to give more and eventually feel overwhelmed, empty, and resentful.

     "It follows that a woman who spends her day in a competitive, masculine workplace does not get the emotional support she would if she were in a more feminine, nurturing environment. She gives and gives at her job but doesn't receive validation and support. She comes home burned out, but instead of relaxing, she continues to give....

     "In some cases, just as a woman feels responsible for doing it all at home, a man is socially programmed to also feel it is all her responsibility. Just as it is difficult for her to relax and do less, it is equally difficult for him to find the energy to help out. His programming is saying that his job is done when he returns home, while hers is saying  that she has to do more. Understanding this pattern can bring more compassion between sexes" (pp. 29-30).

There has, no doubt, been greater understanding about the roles of men and women at work and at home since Gray made these observations. For instance, there are more marriages in which both the husband and wife work; and there are more examples of men taking over roles previously considered a traditional female role (e.g., picking children up from day care, staying at home with children, preparing dinner). However, to overcome the current problems with gender gap, glass ceiling, velvet ghetto, and work-life balance, we need even greater understanding and compassion.

Gray sums it up as follows:

     "By learning to resolve the differences between men and women, we are, in effect, easing global tensions and allowing ourselves and others to effectively embrace and connect different cultures and races.

     "As we realize through our relationships that our differences are really superficial and that deep within us we are all one, we can transcend conflict and war and approach our problems with a new awareness that respects and harmonizes differences.

     "As in male/female relationships, the solution is not in denying that differences exist. The potential for conflict is resolved solely through honoring and respecting each other and finding creative ways in which to fulfill our differing needs" (pp. 426-427).

I like the way Gray puts that: we need not deny our differences; rather, we understand and acknowledge our differences, honor and respect each other, and find creative ways to fulfill each other's needs. What a nice note to end on. Hopefully this forum has served as a way to increase our understanding, respect our differences, and encourage creative ways to meet our needs in ways that will help us overcome the gender gap at work and at home.

Thanks again for participating in this year's forum. We hope to see you back in 2011!

Regards,
Mark